X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*