AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
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[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I hope they boil the right one.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…