Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample