My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
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“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
🙂🐾
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.