HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
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The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I’m putting together a team
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses