mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
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Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?