I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Favourite diary entry ever
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.