GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Good boy 😂😂
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.