Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Dead sexy!!
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.