My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
You Might Also Like
it must be school picture day
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.