My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part