Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
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So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Seek kebab; not attention
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.