Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
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Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation