No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing