Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*