Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
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Note to self: always read the final line
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m confused about plants
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop