Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
You Might Also Like
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Same pineapple, same
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.