Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands