Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.