Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
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Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy