Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
You Might Also Like
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
#merica
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.