I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Based Erika
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all