In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.