me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
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BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses