[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”