Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?