“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
You Might Also Like
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.