Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
You Might Also Like
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
🙁
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Oh deer
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.