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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I love the honesty
I mean…but I did
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?