Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
These 3D printers are insane!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…