*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
checking out some reviews of my local library
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I am yelling
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Lol.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?