Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
He-man has a Masters degree
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Well, this explains it:
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president