Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
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He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
this has to be peak English
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?