Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My first son he is wonderful
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Cat is stressing him out.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.