I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
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If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.