me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
accurate
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone