People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Me recordaron éste meme
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.