Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*