*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*