Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.