20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
But is it really??
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.