Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!