[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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Please do it!
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall