I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to