According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine