Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
damn he’s good
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I unironically love this joke.
Geez man, take it easy.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.