I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars