I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
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It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!