I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
You Might Also Like
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Oh boy, $150,000!
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”