Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Dishonest mechanic?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs